Deeper conversations at work (Part 1/5)
Stepping beyond “How are you?”
Last week, I wrote about how work and family are similar, and why that may cause unexpected reactions, feelings, assumptions, etc. A few people told me they could see I was exploring interesting ground, but it wasn’t useful. In hindsight, I agree.
But for me, it’s more than theoretical. It’s part of what contributed to my recent burnout, so it’s intensely personal and fascinating. Of course, I haven’t told you that story yet. And, I’m not ready to.
This week, I’m going to try something you can use immediately: questions you can ask people designed to move the conversation deeper.
With each one, I’ll provide a context, suggest a question, and explain why I think it “deepens” the conversations.
Stepping beyond “How are you?”
Most conversations between two people include the oft-heard, “How are you?” When you ask, you’ll likely get a short answer (e.g., “Fine”, “Good”, “Meh”) that appears to end the line of discussion.
So, let’s change that.
Take the next step
Instead of accepting what you hear as the end, use it as the beginning. I often ask, “What makes you $THEIR_REPLY today?” For example…
I’m curious, what makes you “fine” today?
Would you be comfortable sharing what’s helping you feel good today?
I’d love to hear more about the “meh”.
After all, you asked how THEY were, and they told you. Honor that response, don’t ignore it, and take the next step to understand why they are that way.
Then shut up, and listen. Don’t interrupt.
And listen closely for an opportunity to ask a follow-up question about something that intrigued you.
“Thank you.”
However you decide to end that line of conversation, thank them for sharing with you. They took a chance to deviate from the script, to reveal more about themselves to you. That’s a risk worth appreciating.
Why it works
We all engage in scripted language in life: from our 1:1s to the grocery store, to our most intimate relationships. That’s not bad, but it often hides what’s underneath.
Asking “Why?” lets the other person know you are interested in them, not just performing a script. I’ve done this at the grocery store, with my kids, with strangers, and with employees - and it’s helped me see others in new ways. I hope it does the same for you.
Okay, give this a try and let me know how it goes. Just hit REPLY to this email and drop me a line.
Thanks,
Marcus