On Burnout - try 1
"Chase your desired lifestyle, not your desired title."
I’m starting this email by writing intellectually, without much feeling, because the only feelings I can muster today are rage or shame.
The International Classification of Diseases (ICD) version 11 includes “Burnout”, an occupational phenomenon. Symptoms include:
feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion;
increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one's job; and
reduced professional efficacy.
Friends, over the past six months, I have come to realize I am burned out.
This is profoundly hard for me to admit to myself, because there is a crushing shame in those words.
And, it’s even harder to admit to you. But today I decided I’m going to write about it, because maybe one of you feels kinda the same way - and you might appreciate that you’re not alone.
How burnout shows up for me
I’ve been working since I was 12 years old, and most of the past 43 years, I thought burnout was code for “I’m tired,” or “I’m stressed,” or “I don’t want to work.” I was so wrong.
For me, burnout crept up slowly.
In December, I noticed I was feeling angry more often than usual.
In January, I realized I wasn’t looking forward to returning to work after Christmas. Oh, and I was so, so tired - for no good reason.
In February, I noticed that tears came shockingly easily. Often, these were tears of frustration, or sometimes I couldn’t tell why.
In March, I noticed the anger had become rage. Like, bouts of rage that I’d never experienced before. I also got scared and told my wife, “I am not myself. Something is wrong.”
In April, I noticed I was less angy less often… but numb to feeling anything. I felt disconnected from work, particularly from projects that were supposedly the “highest priority,” yet I found them pointless.
In May and June, I went through the motions every day - not caring what got done.
Monday, I took my blood pressure (BP), and it was sky high for me (165/107). Taking it daily confirmed this was a pattern. Then I got scared.
So, I saw the doctor, and they immediately put me on BP medication and ordered me “back to therapy.”
Well, sh!t.
There are more questions than answers. Am I broken forever? Will I ever be excited about work like I was? Was this a moral/mental weakness? How long until I start to care again? How long until I stop feeling angry at little injustices?
But the big question is, what does all this mean?
The specter over my shoulder
When I was 17, my father had, what we called then, a “nervous breakdown.” He was 47. He walked off his job as a retail store manager and never worked full-time again.
I tell you truly, he was never the same again.
Looking through old photo albums, I can see the change start when he was 45. Instead of smiling broadly, he grimaced in photos. Soon after, just a blank stare.
My dad stayed at his job even when it was killing him, because that’s what real men did. It cost him - and our family - far more than we ever imagined.
I won’t go into details, but this experience has been a specter haunting me ever since. A ghost calling, “This will happen to you, too.”
This week, it feels like it has.
Thankfully, my wife assures me, it has not. She feels that we caught it “in time”, which is the opposite of what happened to my dad. She’s pretty smart, so I believe her. Mostly.
The real work of joy
There’s a lot more to say here, and I’m at the beginning of my “burnout recovery” journey. I might write more about it if you’re interested. Maybe even if you’re not interested.
Now it’s time for the real work of recovery, which I believe is active, not passive. I’m taking 6 weeks off to see if it helps. I’m going to spend more time on creative endeavors, exercise more, and watch my diet. Sleep more (a lot more!)
Mostly, though, I’m going to consider what work brings me joy. I’ll end with this quote forwarded to me by a friend today:
"Chase your desired lifestyle, not your desired title. People are blinded by status and labels. Once you release the need for a specific title, there is almost always an easier path to living your preferred lifestyle."
I love hearing from y’all, so don’t hesitate to hit REPLY and say “Hello!”
So, that’s all for today. Thanks for reading.
Marcus
In my experience burnout has something to do with things you don’t like about what you do, but are heard to change. Sometimes it’s about taking too much work that’s not meaningful, interesting or genuinely resonant. Sometimes it’s about bad boundaries and being taken advantage of in some way. It could be other things as well.
I’m a meditator, so I’ve used the strategy of feeling my emotions + writing about them in order to clarify what the anger, frustration, helplessness is about. Then after a few days or weeks of doing that - a clarity emerges about what is the change that needs to happen in order to come back into balance. Usually half of the writing is about expelling the frustration, which is discarded - the other half is about what the frustration is about - that’s where the clarity is.
I hope this is somewhat helpful!
Another approach is to just find something more fun and satisfying to do with your life, but that usually comes with lifestyle changes - as your friend suggested.
Yikes! I hope this resolves soon.
A framing I've found personally useful has been that "burnout" covers several different conditions, with somewhat different causes, emotional results, and best ways to address them.
There's a particular kind of burnout that results from "moral distress" or "moral injury." (Sometimes this is contrasted with burnout proper, which results from overwork or overwhelm.)
Moral distress occurs in work, or other situations, that pressure you to do things you don't feel you should have to do, or that in fact no one should have to do, or that cause moral harm to other people. Classic examples are in military combat and in healthcare.
The "burnout" that comes from moral distress typically includes rage and/or shame, whereas burnout from overwork usually doesn't so much. (Burnout, in the narrow sense, is just exhaustion.)
A web search turns up posts/articles discussing the differences: https://duckduckgo.com/?q=moral+distress+injury+burnout&ia=web
Here's one overview post from someone who specializes in the area: https://moralinjuryclinic.substack.com/p/burnout-or-moral-injury-maybe-both
Burnout and moral distress are best addressed differently (according to what I've read, and in my experience). Rest is effective in burnout in the short term, and in the longer term a reduced workload may be necessary.
In moral distress, it's the type of work that's the problem, more than the amount. So one's social situation has to change. One might renegotiate the terms of work to eliminate the parts one finds morally injurious; or change employer or position to a situation without the injurious aspects. Or, if the issue is pervasive in a type of work, regardless of the particulars, one might choose to change careers. Or, like your father, stop working altogether, which apparently is a too-common outcome if this isn't addressed.
My experience with this was in a situation in which I had to do an enormous amount of work, imposed by bureaucratic idiocy, that I thought no one should have to do, especially not me, and some of which was actively harmful to third parties. Taking time off from this didn't help much in the long term. Recovery required dramatically reducing the amount of this stuff I had to do. Then I was able to happily work very hard, finding it enjoyable and uplifting.