"You're not my daddy!"

Why no one likes your re-org

Some companies liken themselves to a family, highlighting a warm atmosphere, supportive peers, a positive mission, and a sense of belonging and connection.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much the families we grow up with impact our work both as “the leader” and “the led” (e.g., the follower). I’m starting to build a thesis that our people and events in our families of origin (FOO) shape how we see, experience, and respond to work events. Yet, because we don’t know each other’s FOO’s, this can lead us and others to be surprised. Let’s see if I can explain what I mean.

Every one of us has had some universal FOO experiences, and some unique ones.

Universal FOO experiences might include (a) being born, (b) being utterly dependent on someone bigger than you for survival, (c) learning to walk/talk/run/sing/jump/etc, (d) being educated by someone older, etc. It’s a universal experience that we need someone to take care of us when we’re small. If you didn’t get this, at least in some way, you didn’t make it to read this email.

Yet, no one has the same set of FOO experiences either. I had a mom and dad at home, but maybe you had two dads, or two moms, or one mom or one dad, or a grandma, or foster parents, or an aunt/uncle, or a big sibling, or an orphanage, etc. You might have lived in the same house while you grew up, or, like my friend Wes, moved homes every year for 15 years. Maybe your parents were rich, maybe poor. Maybe you grew up feeling safe, or feeling afraid. Maybe you had a stable home life, or were passed between foster homes or relatives. I don’t know - all I know is that there’s tremendous variation between how people grow up.

Oh, one more universal (at least in Western culture): being a professional means being rational (not emotional), that we should leave feelings at home - and leave the past in the past.

So, we grow up, get some education, see the world, learn about ourselves (if we’re lucky), and get a job. In fact, dear reader, you probably see yourself in more than just a job, but a career.

And you join a company where you have a boss, some teammates at various levels, other teams in your org, areas your team is responsible for, particular things you are responsible for, etc. If you’re lucky, you make some friends, your boss is helpful, you enjoy the work, you feel supported, you learn to contribute, you find a spot on the team, you feel cared for and appreciated. In short, you flourish as a professional. It’s not your family, but maybe it starts to feel like home.

“Family” is a metaphor just like “company” is a metaphor. Even if your company doesn’t compare itself to a family (and in my opinion, they shouldn’t), you cannot help but draw comparisons between the two metaphors.

Families aren’t defined in just one way; they are defined and delineated in many ways - more metaphorical than concrete. You are certainly part of a web of families: the family you choose, the family you live with now, your family of origin, your extended family, those who have died and are remembered, etc. The same can be said for companies. Companies are a legal and social abstraction - but a powerful one that carries tremendous meaning in our culture.

These two metaphors are so similar that our brains (and our hearts) conflate them without our awareness. Events in one may remind our bodies and brains of events in the other in ways and at times that surprise us.

An attempt at an example

So, imagine for a moment that you work at SeriousFriends Development Corp (SFDC), with a bunch of other software engineers, writing serious software for serious people. You’re an engineer buried deep in the bowels of the company, with eight layers of management between you and the CEO. Each time one of those eight layers changes, you get reorganized. Maybe you get a new boss, or your boss gets a new boss. Maybe your team and another team combine, and your manager now handles three teams. Perhaps half of your team is split off and combined with another team in a different part of the organization. Maybe there are layoffs, or new groups are brought in. There are infinite possibilities.

While you might be right that no one likes these kinds of changes, for some folks, it’s much deeper. In fact, I’d assert that for most people, it’s more than just “inconvenient” or “confusing”; it may bring up strong feelings that appear out of place in our rational business situations.

For example, imagine your parents divorced when you were seven, and you lost contact with one parent and your sibling. Then the parent you lived with got remarried to someone with a child, and you got a step-sibling. This was painful for you, and you never got along with your step-parent or step-sibling. Family dynamics were tense as each parent advocated for their biological child, and the family never truly came together. In time, your parent and the step-parent separated, and you had to make do with less, and you had to move out of the neighborhood you grew up in. These childhoods are a relatively common situation, so I’m sure some of you have lived through something like this.

So, back to work. Imagine now that during the reorg, your team is split and half the members are assigned to another manager… or your boss chooses to leave for another team… or your boss is moved into a different org. Your mind will naturally recall situations that feel like this, even metaphorically. And the emotions you feel will be real, just as your seven-year-old self had feelings about what happened to them.

When your team is split, you might feel more than “rationally sad” - you might feel devastated. When your boss leaves, you might feel more than “confused”; you might feel abandoned. When your team is moved to another department, you might feel more than “disoriented”; you might feel displaced from your home.

And, you might be confused about why you feel this way, because obviously this has nothing to do with the past. Except, in a very real way, it has everything to do with your past.

Moreso, the executive who decided on this change may be confused at your response, your new boss might not understand why you don’t welcome them with open arms, your peers might think you are overreacting, etc. That’s because they didn’t grow up in your shoes, and you didn’t grow up in theirs. This can lead to tremendous confusion and stress. Worse, it can lead people who aren't upset at this particular change to feel judgmental, thinking, “Some people are just resistant to change.” That’s not true, but it’s an easy judgment to make.

What to do with this

First, I’ll ask you to give this some thought. How have you noticed your family of origin showing up at work? In particular, in areas of power, hierarchy, control, in vs. out dynamics, etc. Can you see how it impacts you as a leader? Can you be gentle and accept your responses as part of you that you’re now aware of? Consider passing this article on and discussing it with a friend, your team, or even your boss.

Second, you can make the hidden more explicit by talking about it. You might discuss these ideas with a friend, teammate, peer, colleague, mentor, coach, or therapist. You might ask them how they feel after a re-org, and share how you feel. When you start to become aware of your reactions, instead of being numb to your feelings, it’s easier to regulate your emotions and stay balanced.

Third, when you are the one making changes, know that your family-of-origin experiences will still come up. In fact, they might be why you feel so optimistic and excited about the change! Instead of rushing in and assuming everyone will love this change, slow down, get in touch with yourself and others. Discuss the change, and invite others to share their perspectives. Become curious about strong feelings, avoiding framing others as “resistant” that you need to “bring into line” through control. Explain the reasons you made the decisions, and take questions from others.

Fourth, consider that this idea might not be needed or helpful. That’s hard, but it’s true. Many of my “best ideas” for change have been unhelpful and unnecessary - and I’ve rolled them back. Work in small experiments when possible and seek candid feedback.

Next steps

Your family of origin gave you a unique, powerful learning experience that will always be with you. Yet, it doesn’t define you. Awareness of your family experiences and your responses to work situations is the first step in the 8 A’s of change. Acceptance is the second step, along with knowledge that we all have “navel equality”, having come into the world the same way - attached to someone else’s navel for survival.

Use your support, or if necessary, get support. I’m here (just hit REPLY), or you can attend my upcoming Leadership Workshop that deals with these issues. Or even just phone a friend.

There’s no need to travel alone; we all have a past.

Take care, and I hope to hear from you. I’d love your thoughts on these ideas, and offer my support to you.

-m