The question that builds resiliency and capacity
Deeper conversations at work (3/5)
Yesterday, I introduced how to go deeper through “strength spotting”, asking “How did you do that?” when someone reports even a small success.
Today, let’s talk about the follow-up question that builds both resiliency and capacity.
Let’s set the stage:
During Sue’s 1:1 with Ana, a Senior Programmer on her team, Sue asked Ana how she helped the team navigate a conflict about upgrading Go libraries. After highlighting the strengths Sue spotted and appreciating them, Sue asked another magical question: Where did you learn that?
Ana recounts that she took a conflict resolution course a few years ago and remains interested in the topic. She used to be afraid of conflict, but now sees it as “energy for change”, and was excited to help the team navigate this situation.
Sue was surprised and pleased, and told Ana how much she appreciated it. In fact, she asked Ana to teach her the basics, as she also didn’t like conflict. Ana felt honored and enthusiastically agreed!
You probably get the point: when you catch someone doing well, ask where they learned it. It’s just that simple.
But it’s also profound. Why?
Because the question unlocks some profound conversations…
Because we categorize people so often in our society (and at work), it emphasizes the role of learning over “being” a particular kind of person. Emphasizing that a skill or mindset can be learned reminds both Sue and Ana that people can change.
It flies in the face of traditional corporate “wisdom” that says “people are nothing more than their role and level.” Resolving team conflicts might be considered “manager work”, but Sue sees beyond Ana’s categories and instead sees Ana as a whole person.
It empowers people to bring their whole selves to work, rather than just their “hands.” Instead of Sue saying, “Oh, that’s my job” or “I’m sorry, I should have done that”, Sue normalized that team members are capable of helping themselves and others.
It reduces the team’s dependence on the manager and emphasizes that everyone got to where they are through learning, rather than being born a certain way. After all, no one comes into the world knowing Python. :)
It normalizes learning, which is vital to team growth.
It flips the power hierarchy between the manager and employee. By asking “Where did you learn that?” the manager is admitting they don’t know something, and only the other person can help them.
Oh, and how do you think Ana felt during this conversation? Words that come to my mind are “honored, seen, appreciated, useful, valued, unique, whole, and connected.” I suspect Sue felt the same.
These “deeper conversations” aren’t tricks, but they are simple ways to move off script and make meaningful connections with others. Oh, and if you haven’t noticed, you can use these with your partner, kids, parents - or even your barista!
Give it a try, and let me know your thoughts. Your replies make my writing better!
Warmly,
-m